KALs, Socializing, and Shyness

Apparently I have poor impulse control, and I've somehow committed myself to three knit-a-longs that all start next Monday.

Seriously, Kat, pull yourself together.

I love the idea of KALs so much-everyone huddled around their computers, wearing their comfy pants and drinking fancy beverages, collectively ooh-ing and ahh-ing over each other's projects, giving each other tips on picking up stitches and tricks for keeping your colorwork even.

In reality, it usually turns into me knitting on my sofa, computer off, and then I finish, and maybe I'll post a picture in the FO thread, or maybe I won't, because I wasn't really engaged in the social/conversation part of the KAL, and who is this weird girl and why is her face in our thread all of a sudden?

Spoiler alert, I'm not very social. I've never really been, and I want to work on that more, but I have the unfortunate pairing of being hilariously introverted and painfully shy, and I could go talk to people or leave more adoring comments on people's things instead of just hitting "like," or I could stay in and watch crime dramas and eat soft cheese in my comfy pants.

I've always struggled with being shy and never feeling like I know what to say. I never talked in class, and I'm usually the quietest person in a group. I always feel like I don't know what to say, or when to say it, or how to say it, and most of the time I would rather have the ground swallow me up than have people direct their attention at me-which is rich, considering I do theater, and I sing, and I used to be in a band, and three days a week I come here and pour out all my thoughts for the world to see, and really I crave attention but I just don't know what to do with it.

Small groups terrify me. People actually knowing me and forming opinions of me terrifies me. I start feeling all chocked, and I get really tense, and it can take hours or days to calm down enough to feel like myself again. Instead of pushing myself to find a happy medium and actually create friendships that I will value and that will be beneficial and healthy for me, I chicken out and take the easy road of hiding in my house, making no noise, and pretending that I don't exist.

So I guess this is me pushing myself. I've come so far in the last two years-commenting on other people's blogs, making comments on people's Ravelry projects and in forums. There's just a bit more to go to get where I want to be, and I know I have to keep at it to get there. But it's hard, and it takes work and it takes time and there's no magic spell that can make it easier or quicker, and I know so many of you out there can relate to that.

BUT. This is me making my effort, and I'll hopefully soon have a little bit more experience talking to people that I don't know super-well yet as well as a pair of SpringTastic Socks, a From Another Place Crop Top, and my own little twist on Cherry Pie.